Brayden at Two!

Tonight I got the chance to spend an evening alone with Brayden.  Just running a few errands, but it was a lovely reminder of how much I adore this little guy.  He is a total joy...

Height and Weight: 35 inches tall and 29 lbs

Wearing: 18M-2T

Favorite Food: Cheese

Loves to...: Play with trains, run outside, pour water between cups and go "bye bye."  Brayden has graduated from his past obsession carrying measuring little people - to carrying Little People figures everywhere.  He'd carry a dozen at a time if he could figure out how to hold on to them all!  Woody and Buzz are his favorites of course.  He loves to make animal noises and growl, serve play food from his kitchen, and is very nurturing to his baby dolls.  Brayden has recently discovered tickling, and believes that he can even tickle himself with enough of a chuckle.  Brayden is a great musician and can march and clap to a beat, strum his (or mommy's) ukulele, and sing along with Christmas carols.  He's awesome at the Falalalalas and Par-um-pum-pum-pums.

Favorite Toys: Trains, Little People (and pez), Dinosaurs, Cars, Pillow Racers, Bouncy House, the Thomas Roller Coaster.

Favorite Show: Octonauts, Sophia the First, Toy Story, Chuggington

Word List: Uh-Oh, No, Choo-Choo, Da, Ma-ma, Up, "git," Pap, pop, yum, bye-bye, peese (please), ank you (thank you), more, go "zzz" for "Buzz" and lots of animal sounds.  Brayden definitely has a ways to go with his words and we do our very best to keep the binky out of his mouth and encourage him to use his words whenever possible.

Biggest Accomplishments: Brayden's doing awesome with his physical abilities - jumping, marching and climbing up and down stairs with ease.  His compassionate side has been growing with his ability to share and take turns (although we still work on these things daily).  We love watching Brayden explore his love of music.  It really is a cool thing to see your child discover something you yourself are so passionate about.

Brayden is such a sweet and exciting boy.  We have an absolute joy being his parents!

A Small Yolk Sack - Throwback Thursday

I have been thinking a lot lately about my Brayden and how close we were to having a singleton pregnancy - and how much we would have missed out on if he hadn't made it.

You see, we found out we were pregnant very early, and as I had some abdominal pain, the doctor recommended an early ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy.  I remember asking the doctor - "do we need to rule out twins because of the chlomid?"  "Oh no" he said "the chances of twins are still very slim.  Don't worry about it."

After trying to conceive without luck for a year, our doctor had put us on the lowest dose of chlomid available and told me that it would only increase my chances from 2% to 5%.  Nothing to worry about right?  We'd hardly given it a second thought especially after the doctor's assurance that we were fine.

When we got to the ultrasound appointment, the tech informed us that there would be a split screen "Don't worry - it doesn't mean you're having twins" she told us.  "You'll see the split screen with one live image and one where I'll freeze the screen to snap the picture."

The whole time Dan and I chatted along, with the tech asking us general questions about ourselves and our pregnancy without saying much in identifying what she was seeing.  I was so clueless - I had no idea what I was looking at either.

"Is everything okay?" I asked - worried still about the potential of complications.  "It's definitely not ectopic" she said and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I had no idea... I mean - ZERO idea that there were two for the vast majority of my ultrasound.  The first clue I had was when she listened to the heartbeat, and then went back again, and listened to it twice.  She must have needed to confirm the rate I figured.

Even when she typed Baby A and Baby B on the screen for the first time, I didn't assume it was two babies.  Pictures from two different angles right?  Like the top side and bottom side?

When she was all finished, she wiped the gel off of my belly and said very calmly.  "Let me tell you what I'm seeing here.  There are two embryos, both with good heart beats." I about fainted.  Holy sh*t. Two babies - two babies - TWO BABIES!  "How will we ever pay for college?" were the first words out of my mouth to Dan.  (Looking back, how naive I was for this to be the biggest concern)

The tech interrupted my moment though, needing to finish.  "I am seeing though, that Baby A's yolk sack is very small in comparison to Baby B.  You need  to realize that sometimes, when pregnancies are diagnosed so early, one embryo could absorb."

So there we had it... We had two babies, after trying and wanting them so badly, but one might not make it.  You love your babies instantly - from the moment you know they exist.  And for me, I'd already fallen in love with this one baby in my belly - but now there were two?  In some ways I almost felt betrayed by the fact that all the bonding I'd been doing with my vision of a "child" was in vain.  I got over that quickly though, and started the process of worrying about Baby A.

So what did this mean - a twin with a smaller yolk sack?  I called my doctor frantically, wanting answers.  "What were our chances?  When would we be in the clear?  Why does this happen and can anything be done?"

Like it seems is often the response in early pregnancies - nature had to take it's course.  They had no answers, no research or statistics.  Armed with the internet and a world of online medical journals, we began searching.  What we found was, that based on his measurements, Baby A had a 50% chance of making it.  While my heart was overjoyed to have two, it ached with worry and fear that we'd loose half of our double blessing.

I should point out here, that I have learned so much in my short time as a mom.  One of these things is that God doesn't worry - He always knew Brayden would make it.  He never feared for the sweet baby in my belly, He already knew how many golden hairs would be on little Brayden's head.  So when we're biblically told not to worry and to trust fully in God - it's for good reason.

For the next few months, I was so fearful that the next ultrasound would reveal only one remaining twin - vanishing twin syndrome, where one baby "disappears," absorbing into the other.  But each time, there he was.  Still with a small sack, but there none the less.  He was thriving, and while I don't remember the date - we were eventually assured that whatever risks he faced in early pregnancy were gone once he started making his own amniotic fluid and no longer relied on a yolk sack.

Because his sack was always a little smaller, we eventually knew that the the boy was the one we'd been praying for for all those months.  My sweet Brayden...  How different my life would have been if our coin had flipped the other way.

Snip Snip Sniffle

When Brayden got his hair trimmed right around his first birthday, I was so proud of what a champ I was!  Not a sniffle to be snuffed or a tear to be trickled.  I was just so glad to see that little "rat tail" disappear!

But lately, my adorable little shaggy "surfer boy" has been having trouble seeing through the hair hanging in his eyes, and I knew it was time.  So since my mom was ready to head home after spending most of last week here making piles of hair bows, we figured we better get out the scissors.

Brayden did so well, munching on his chocolate, sucking down a "squish pouch" and laughing at his Dad's distracting antics.  I on the other hand did not fair as well - tearfully looking away as my baby turned into a little boy right before my eyes.  (Here I go again - waterworks as I type).  And I know how ridiculous it is -  he's still the same Brayden with or without his hair.  But I struggle knowing that it'll never be quite the same.
My Dad tried reminding me that I haven't lost anything, just have lots of things to look forward to with each age.  Sorry to say, that doesn't make it any easier.  I realize how blessed I am every day and, much like a little child, feel like I like these days the best.

And in my own feminist ways, I make it more complicated than it probably is - pondering how for the first time, cultural norms have physically altered his appearance.  Julie's feminine curls still hang from her head while Brayden's waves are on my deck.  It's just the beginning of the man he'll have to become - the man that will grow up and move away to lead his own family.  Yes, I know I'm probably taking it a little far, but I'm a sappy mama here and my mind has a tenancy to take things down the road a bit.

He looks handsome and I'm sure I'll get used to it.  My mom did a great job courtesy of youtube and her 20 year past experiences.  In the meantime though, I'm going to pout and wait for it to grow back.

For your comparison - Brayden before and after his "sheering."

They are who we teach them to be

Dan spent the morning outside, edging the front landscape with a shovel and wheelbarrow.  Nose to the glass of our front window, Brayden was watching his every move.  Since Brayden is typically better listener (for the moment) I asked Dan if he'd mind if Brayden came out to "help" for a bit.  For the next two hours, Brayden was right at his dad's side, quietly watching him work.  I asked Dan how things went when he brought the extra dirt around to the woods behind out house - how he carried Brayden while pushing the wheelbarrow.  He said it was not a problem because Brayden instinctively followed along, knowing right where he was supposed to be.

Later today, I had been napping and Dan and the kids came to wake me up.  Not one to waste an opportunity to connect, Dan laid next to me for moment with his head on my chest.  We're a pretty romantic pair (amazing after twins) and I gently ran my fingers through the back of his hair and ran my hand up and down his back.  Julie popped up on the ottoman next to our bed (their stepping stool) and stood there for a second staring at us.  After taking us in, she smiled and just watched us love one another.  I said to my husband "Just look at her - she's learning how you love someone!"  and that's truly what she was doing.

At 18 months old, I have been told their brains are like little sponges, absorbing every subliminal lesson, unintentional associations and bits of social programming that surround their little lives.  While we think we're teaching body part identification, colors and animals, what they're truly learning is how they will view and navigate this world in which they are a part.

That, truly scares the hell out of me.  No really - it does.  I'm terrified of having these little eyes (and mouths and hearts) watching my every move, and LEARNING FROM WHAT I DO!  Yes, in those sweet moments, Dan and I have a great connection, but what about when I undermine his authority and question his decision - am I teaching them to respect him?  When I get frustrated that I've lost the keys and the sippy cup has spilled and there's no more milk, and someone'e missing a shoe - will they sense and inherit my stresses?  When my dogs are begging for my dinner or sitting on top of my craft supplies and I yell "GIT!!!" - are they learning to be kind and loving to our pets?  While they're not yet too talkative, what about the words I say?  Are they the words I would be proud to hear come out of their little mouths?

Today has been such a deep reminder that these children, my babies, they will grow to be who we teach them be.  And these lessons are rarely intentional, but instead the classroom exists in our own subtle reactions and responses.

I consider my faith.  How are my babies seeing me share my faith with the world?  Are they seeing God's light through me in a way that will someday teach them to seek Him and have a light of their own?

While I wish the answers to all of these things were positive, that they were learning perfectly from what I do, I know that perfect parenting doesn't exist.  We all do things we're not proud to do and "do as I say, not as I do" is a phrase that many families live by.  But I want so much more than that for them.  I want them to value who they are, because I am proud of what they have learned from me.  I want them to find respect me as I have shared values that I would be proud for them to have.

And amazingly, as I am considering how I need to become better - for their sake, I realize how they intrinsically make me a better person for caring.  |

I have mentioned to my mother how someday I want to make sure I take excellent care of her as she ages, because I will hope that my children would do the same for me when it's my turn.  I can only hope that I can impart enough kindness, integrity and patience that they will walk my path behind me.


  

So Big...

I laid there in bed tonight, waiting for Brayden to fall asleep, staring at his little toes.  "Little" being the operative word as they are no longer "tiny."  When did this happen?  I have been sorting through last summer's clothes for our upcoming consignment sale and even clothes from nine months ago seem so small.  Everyone says to capture each moment in your heart as these "baby days" are fleeting.  Each day they must grow such a tiny bit that it truly has snuck up on me.

Looking at pictures, I'm shocked at how their faces have changed.  Brayden looks like a little boy already, and Julie's baby face has thinned and become more feminine with her lovely wisps of curl.  It's incredible really.

And while I reminisce over the memory of these tiny beings, I wouldn't replace these days with those days for anything in the world.  Julie has learned to blow kisses and immitate Dan's "evil laugh" (think "mwa-ha-ha-ha").  Brayden's independence is remarkable, but I have to admit that I love the moments where he turns back to me for security.  He adores playing with other boys especially.  Their rambunctious chase just speaks to the boyish spirit within him.  Julie has begun to snuggle which was so unlike the baby she used to be.  Brayden adores his Dad and is so busy putting little people in every hole and crevice.  They both love the dogs.

Yes these days are some of the best.  And so it's been my nightly prayer that I can work to always put them first and not miss a moment.  I'm always busy... I'm a do-er, not a watcher, and sometimes find it difficult to not be in the middle of a project.  Lazy days are just not in my nature.  So staying home I've filled the gap with playdates to plan, consignment sales to coordinate, and GiggleBuzz which certainly keeps me busy preparing for my first upcoming craft show.  It's so easy to focus on my to-do list and forget to sit and play, read, sing and dance with them as much as I should.  Maybe working moms aren't the only ones struggling with balance.

But those tiny toes, now transformed into little feet, remind me how quickly they grow and that I'm blessed to be witness to every moment.

Meet Brayden at One

You've already met Julianna at One so I thought it was about time to tell you more about my sweet Brayden.  He too has come a long way since I wrote about my expectations for him when I was pregnant!  

Brayden Harrison

Nicknames: Bray, Bray-Bray, Brady, Prince Charming, Brady-Boy

Size: Currently wearing 12 months
Favorite Song: Old McDonald
Favorite Food: Grilled Cheese
Favorite Toys: Gymnic Rody Horse, Little People (especially Princess Ariel), VTech Spin & Learn Top, LeapFrog My Pal Scout
Favorite TV Show: Bubble Guppies, YoGabaGaba or Spongebob (not that Mom is too fond of the last one)
Favorite Animal: Giraffe
Vocabulary: Mama, Dada (which has evolved to Da-ee), Nana, Baba, Bap, Uh-Oh
Tickle Spots: Inner Thigh, Right under Ribs

Brayden is a rambunctious, snuggly and hilarious little boy.  He is on the brink of learning to “run” and loves to walk in a room, catch your eye, and run out – only to repeat time after time for minutes on end.  He loves to laugh and has this contagious giggle that not even the most stoic could resist smiling for.  The most random things will get him going – the word “hundred,” a fake sneeze or hiccup, Mom crying hysterically, Dad bumping his head on the chandelier, and “alligator chomps” are some of his favorites about which to laugh. 

A warm, fluffy bed is “his spot” especially snuggled in between his parents.  He can have a conversation with his eyes and is such a little “flirt” when it comes to all the ladies he encounters as we go out.  He surely has his daddy’s charm.

Brayden is intense and at times can have a temper.  It’s obvious that he knows what he wants, and gets frustrated when it doesn't work how he expects.

 

He loves to carry around a balloon, and to pull ribbon off the spools.  He dances to every song he hears – bending his knees and bopping up and down.  His soft voice will sing along to a lullabye or song on tv when he’s getting drowsy.  He loves princess Ariel’s red hair with a passion and we joke that someday he’ll marry a red-head. He is my little Irish imp that stole my heart the moment our eyes met.  I am so incredibly lucky to be his Mom.

Meet Brayden

Brayden is our "baby A" and therefore I thought he should go first with introductions.  From the moment I knew I was having twins, I have felt such a special bond with Brayden because he was the underdog - our baby with the smaller sack and an indeterminable destiny.  But I knew God had big things in store for him, and that he would figure out a way to grow into a big strong baby.

I also have felt so connected with Brayden because I was sure, within weeks of becoming pregnant - even before I knew that there were two - that we would be having a boy.  I know he is the son Dan has thought about every time he's considered what fatherhood would be like, and of course, we can't wait to meet him!

I'd never really considered what it would be like to have a son, as my motherhood fantasies typically involved lots of frilly dresses and hair bows.  I'm eager for him to learn to be the type of man his dad is - one that is patient and kind, a hard worker who loves and respects his wife.  In all of my hopes to teach my daughter about being an independent woman it had never really dawned on me how men are just as much a part of the equality equation and I'm excited about the opportunity to raise him in that perspective.

So what is Brayden like?  I think he is strong and brave because of how he overcame the early challenges he faced in our pregnancy.  He has grown to be even bigger than his sister (by millimeters of course).  He's patient and accommodating, which I know because he's scrunched himself into a little "frank breech" ball, while his sister sprawls out on my right side.  He's not a pushover though, and makes himself known quite frequently with his pokes and kicks.  He is such a special boy...