Double the Fun

For the past two years, I've had an almost daily struggle with the whole "twin mom" thing.  I hate the comments about my "hands being full", I dread double the diapers, and have looked enviously at my mom friends who only have one little wonderful person to juggle.  I've feared that somehow we'd missed out on that personal intimacy that it was to have this tiny little family when we were so quickly immersed into our own private chaos.

But lately, I've been catching beautiful glimpses at what having twins is really about.  I've been seeing the beautiful emotion they have with one another - sharing hugs and kisses when one another, seeking them out if they hear the other cry.  It's amazing to have the opportunity to be proud of the generosity, kindness and empathy that your two year old is showing - proud of the little person they're becoming.

Brayden picks up his spoon and fork at a casual dinner out - and proceeds to bang them together with glee.  "Great idea bro" silently says a joyful Julie who joins him in the merriment.  They just beam at each other.  The first proud that he started a trend, and the second thrilled to show that she can do it too.  I smile...

Even in the midnight hours, when they both should be sleeping I can't help but enjoy their fun.  Julie gets the idea to run through the upstairs - onto our bed, off the other side, around the loop and back out the door, and across to her room.  Brayden jumps up and follows.  And the two do laps like this for ten minutes squealing as they go.

They share all of this without words, but are so united in the experience.  It's obvious that they love the "twin thing."  And how could they not?  It's a best friend to play trains, it's a person to steal extra hot dog bits from, and a constant sleepover companion.  I'm coming to realize, we're not missing out at all.  We are the luckiest...

Quiet moments snuggled together watching a favorite show, swapping binkies and laughing in domino effect at the funny parts. Every moment bonds them together.

Today we played this game where we would count "one" "two" and then giggle wildly on "three" as we tickled someone.  It was so much fun it almost brought tears to my eyes.  Who else gets that?  Even if kids are close in age, the joy of having two together, at that same moment and stage, discovering life's pleasures is absolutely incredible.

I've always wondered what all these moms meant when they talked about their pairs - "double the fun" they'd say.  I could get behind "double the love" and "double the blessing" but really?  Double the fun? I'm becoming a believer...  I feel like the fun in our family grows exponentially every day.  And I am so blessed to be part of this wild ride...

A Small Yolk Sack - Throwback Thursday

I have been thinking a lot lately about my Brayden and how close we were to having a singleton pregnancy - and how much we would have missed out on if he hadn't made it.

You see, we found out we were pregnant very early, and as I had some abdominal pain, the doctor recommended an early ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy.  I remember asking the doctor - "do we need to rule out twins because of the chlomid?"  "Oh no" he said "the chances of twins are still very slim.  Don't worry about it."

After trying to conceive without luck for a year, our doctor had put us on the lowest dose of chlomid available and told me that it would only increase my chances from 2% to 5%.  Nothing to worry about right?  We'd hardly given it a second thought especially after the doctor's assurance that we were fine.

When we got to the ultrasound appointment, the tech informed us that there would be a split screen "Don't worry - it doesn't mean you're having twins" she told us.  "You'll see the split screen with one live image and one where I'll freeze the screen to snap the picture."

The whole time Dan and I chatted along, with the tech asking us general questions about ourselves and our pregnancy without saying much in identifying what she was seeing.  I was so clueless - I had no idea what I was looking at either.

"Is everything okay?" I asked - worried still about the potential of complications.  "It's definitely not ectopic" she said and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I had no idea... I mean - ZERO idea that there were two for the vast majority of my ultrasound.  The first clue I had was when she listened to the heartbeat, and then went back again, and listened to it twice.  She must have needed to confirm the rate I figured.

Even when she typed Baby A and Baby B on the screen for the first time, I didn't assume it was two babies.  Pictures from two different angles right?  Like the top side and bottom side?

When she was all finished, she wiped the gel off of my belly and said very calmly.  "Let me tell you what I'm seeing here.  There are two embryos, both with good heart beats." I about fainted.  Holy sh*t. Two babies - two babies - TWO BABIES!  "How will we ever pay for college?" were the first words out of my mouth to Dan.  (Looking back, how naive I was for this to be the biggest concern)

The tech interrupted my moment though, needing to finish.  "I am seeing though, that Baby A's yolk sack is very small in comparison to Baby B.  You need  to realize that sometimes, when pregnancies are diagnosed so early, one embryo could absorb."

So there we had it... We had two babies, after trying and wanting them so badly, but one might not make it.  You love your babies instantly - from the moment you know they exist.  And for me, I'd already fallen in love with this one baby in my belly - but now there were two?  In some ways I almost felt betrayed by the fact that all the bonding I'd been doing with my vision of a "child" was in vain.  I got over that quickly though, and started the process of worrying about Baby A.

So what did this mean - a twin with a smaller yolk sack?  I called my doctor frantically, wanting answers.  "What were our chances?  When would we be in the clear?  Why does this happen and can anything be done?"

Like it seems is often the response in early pregnancies - nature had to take it's course.  They had no answers, no research or statistics.  Armed with the internet and a world of online medical journals, we began searching.  What we found was, that based on his measurements, Baby A had a 50% chance of making it.  While my heart was overjoyed to have two, it ached with worry and fear that we'd loose half of our double blessing.

I should point out here, that I have learned so much in my short time as a mom.  One of these things is that God doesn't worry - He always knew Brayden would make it.  He never feared for the sweet baby in my belly, He already knew how many golden hairs would be on little Brayden's head.  So when we're biblically told not to worry and to trust fully in God - it's for good reason.

For the next few months, I was so fearful that the next ultrasound would reveal only one remaining twin - vanishing twin syndrome, where one baby "disappears," absorbing into the other.  But each time, there he was.  Still with a small sack, but there none the less.  He was thriving, and while I don't remember the date - we were eventually assured that whatever risks he faced in early pregnancy were gone once he started making his own amniotic fluid and no longer relied on a yolk sack.

Because his sack was always a little smaller, we eventually knew that the the boy was the one we'd been praying for for all those months.  My sweet Brayden...  How different my life would have been if our coin had flipped the other way.

Twin Tips: Clothes Pin Diaper Tracker

Every mother who has ever nursed (or attempted to nurse) knows the importance of tracking diapers.  It's as if babies have a daily "quota" to reach of wet and dirty dipes so that you know that they're getting all the goodness they need.  In the middle of the night fog, this tracking becomes especially hard.  When other caregivers (like husbands) get into the mix - the diaper tracking gap is almost unavoidable.

As a mother of twins, record keeping becomes even harder to keep track of two babies, and their different "outputs."  This is where my mother's genius idea came in handy! So simple, but the perfect solution.  CLOTHES PINS!

Behind out changing table, we have a lamp that has the cord hung externally, but any rope or ribbon hung from the wall would do.  We labeled each clip with B1 B2 or J1 J2.  B1 stood for Brayden #1 (wet) and J2 stood for Julianna #2 (dirty).

Caregivers would move one pin from top to bottom for each diaper change, and we would tally the pins in the morning.  So simple, but a total lifesaver for sleep deprived families.


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It's like they discovered America...

"Oh my gosh - they're twins!"  It's a phrase I hear more times than I can count when we go out to the store.  Other variations include "you have twins" and "there's two of them!"  And I can't help it - I'm a snark.  Deep down I'd like to sarcastically reply "Really???  I had no idea!"  It's like they've discovered America and are declaring my babies "twins" for the very first time.  Then they go on to gush about how lucky we are, how adorable the babies are, and how it's perfect that we have one of each.

And it's not that I don't appreciate the compliments. I know the little old ladies are just excited to see babies, and two babies are of course, even better.  It's just that sometimes, I feel like we're such a scene with the huge double stroller, the huge diaper bag, and potentially two wailing tots.  I recognize that it's unusual to see twins - about 3% of all births, but my guess is less likely in Western Pennsylvania due to some social factors.

Part of the challenge is that in all social exchanges, you're almost expected to match the mood and emotional tone of the person with which you're speaking.  When they're all thrilled and cutsie wootsie, it's tough to put on a big smile and be super cheerful up to eight times in a single craft store - when you're just trying to pick out some ribbon.  Maybe I'm just not a people person.

See for me, I've come to realize that I don't even see them as twins.  I have so much time with them individually, that I see them as my beautiful Julianna, and my incredible Brayden.  They are so much their own people, and not at all "one half of a whole pair."

Then there are the people who are so personal.  "A girl and a boy - perfect!  Now you can be done!"  I am pretty confident that we want more kids.  And does that mean Dan's family growing up was incomplete because they had three boys?  And they want to know how much they weighed, how far along I was when we delivered - and almost seem disappointed when I tell them that they were pretty normal weights and that I lasted 38 weeks.  It just seems a little too much for me, standing in the checkout line, discussing this with my sales associate.  The attention is just so uninvited.

Yesterday we went to the museum, and my brother was carrying Brayden in the Baby Bjorn and my sister had Julianna.  These two ladies came right up and started congratulating them on their babies.  Awkward for them - yes.  Secretly though, I was standing by gleeful that I was able to avoid the conversation myself.  It leaves me wondering, would they have walked up to any family with a single baby, and gushed in amazement over their child and asked all sorts of questions.  Perhaps they would.  And maybe I should be the one to try it some day.  I'll walk right up to some unsuspecting new parent and exclaim "oh my gosh - you have a singleton!"  They'll look at me like I'm some crazy woman, and I'll walk away smiling knowing that at least I got a little revenge.

Happy Halloween!

I have been answering the door (smiling at all the adorable little ones in costume) wearing my skeleton shirt that my talented mother painted for me.

I have to give credit where credit is due.  The creative inspiration came from Ashley and her blog Make It and Love It and I just knew I had to have one!  While I did find this awesome iron-on from BabytalkDesigns, I didn't get a chance to order in time for my big Halloween event at work, and mom whipped out her paintbrush!  So wild to think that right now (30 weeks along) they're just about the right size - and in the right position in my belly.  Check out the bow in Baby Girl's hair!